For the past 12 years, August the 20th has never been a good day for me. I was never a fan of my birthday anyhow (which is tomorrow) but over the years the time around my birthday seemed to gather more and more trauma. It did not, I suppose bode well the day I was born, because after 4 days of labor both my mother and I nearly died and my father was requested back to the hospital from his ‘mistress’ to decide who to save,as it was unlikely it would be both. Thankfully we did !
So in fairness I suspect ‘trauma’ was a slight subconscious feeling for me around this date and if you have any knowledge of how our body remembers ‘stuff’ you will understand that by the time I had relived this memory internally for many years ( adding on the extra stuff that happens in life, family dying the day after my birthday one year, me failing most of my gcse’s through glandular fever on another etc etc) when I had some more real ‘trauma’ in my life 12 years ago my mind and my body gave up on pretending my birthday was a ‘happy’ time and shut down around this time. I can understand it now but at the time it was bewildering and confusing to say the least !
You see twelve years ago today I came out of hospital having had to have a termination at 18 weeks which took 5 days to take place ( I was promised when I went in it would simply take a matter of hours). My baby had a condition called Dandy Walker Syndrome and whilst I was ‘advised’ the baby had no chance of life I never quite got over the fact that perhaps I did not question the doctors enough and perhaps they got it wrong and perhaps I should have been a bigger person and been prepared to take the ‘risk’ and maybe that was why there was so many complications. I know now this was not the case but for years I tormented myself about it and I did not voice it to anyone. Please dont get me wrong I am incredibly conscious and grateful for the 3 incredible and healthy children I do have !
Over the years, each year has become easier and slowly I have released small bits of my ‘hankering for pain’ and with each step I have claimed myself and my vulnerability back and today it was with anticipation that I approached yet another anniversary. Today however, it was my daughters day to get her GCSE results and I knew it was my day to finally let sleeping dogs lie. I cannot pretend that as today loomed before me I did not relive those memory’s particularly this year and that awful moment I got my results and the look of horror on my parents faces when I revealed the news to them. Results do shape our lives no matter how much we like to think they don’t and they do set us on a course that can affect our lives for years to come.
But I can tell you that today, our house was a very different place and my tears this morning were of joy and pride and that of gratitude for the opportunity to change patterns and finally release some more of the pain my poor body has remembered for so long.
We can only change our memory’s when we are ready to and we can only let go when we choose to, but when you get the chance to change the programme your body has stored and create new patterns and beliefs please take them as with every step we reclaim our own power we gain the ability to leave a trail of glitter for others to follow and our future health stands a much better chance of us staying healthy for longer. Fear and unreleased emotions are the biggest triggers of dis-ease today and it is time we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable real and honest with ourselves. The rest as they say will take care of itself !
